Wednesday, September 04, 1996

Deleted Scene: Hard Eight, Scene 63

SCENE 63 (The Turd Story)

 INT.  JOHN'S CAR - MOVING - DAY



Clementine is driving, John is in the passenger seat;

CLEMENTINE
I can't believe I just thought of this... do you wanna hear a funny story?  Oh my god --

JOHN
What?

CLEMENTINE
There was this guy and this girl, I don't know them, my friend knew the girl and she told me about this story...oh my god...so this guy and this girl -- they went to high school together. And all through high school, they really like each other but they were always together with other people.  But still, on the side, they were always looking at each other, smiling and kind of noticing each other, but nothing ever happens.  So they graduate and they both go off to different colleges and two years pass -- and it's summer vacation and they're both back in town, back from school and they happen to bump into each other on the street.  "Oh my God, Hi How Are You?"  "What are you up to?"  "Nothing, what about you?"  "Oh you know, same old thing." They're both thinking about each other's boyfriend and girlfriend from high school, right?  So he asks her,"Are you still going out with so and so...?"She says, "No, we broke up..." She says to him, "Are you still going out with..." He says, "No, it didn't work out, we broke up." SO they're both like: cool, this could work out.  So they get together that night, they have a date, they go and eat, they have a beautiful and great dinner....they're both a little nervous, though.  So outside the restaurant, they have their first kiss -- and it's beautiful and sweet and perfect.  So they look at each other and he says, "Come stay with me, lets' go back to my apartment." They agree -- but then he remembers he's got his roommate and all this so it won't work out.  She's staying with her parents so that won't really work - but she tells him she has this empty apartment that she's about to move into but there is nothing in it -- no water, or heat, electricity, just a mattress -- well, they finally decide and say, "All we need is a mattress, let's go back to the apartment." So they go back...they have sex and it's great...no first time jitters, nothing awkward, it's just like....perfect, right? Perfect sex and they're totally, totally in love. Afterwards, they're in bed, they're naked and holding each other in their arms and she starts feeling his body, he says, "It's all muscle, y'know, look:" So he turns his back to her and lifts his arms like this -- and he tightens up, flexing his back muscles real hard and -- BOOM!  This projectile turd shoots right out of his butt and lands SMACK on her neck....this poo hits her right in the neck -- Now remember, they're in this apartment with no towels no water, nothing -- so they get up - get dressed, they drive down to a gas station and they have to hose her off -- they hose this poo off of her neck -- and then he drove her to her parents house and that was it -- they never spoke again -- can you believe that?

CAMERA goes to John for reaction.  He's stunned and speechless.

CLEMENTINE
John?

He shakes his head.

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